Resources
Supporting Grief in the Workplace
By: Sally Brewer
Grief is a complicated but universal experience. Still, how you and your colleague handle it around the water cooler is anything but typical. Let’s take inventory of your approach to a coworker’s loss. By sharing what I’ve experienced as a family caregiver and elder care advocate, perhaps you will tuck away these nuggets for the next time of need.
As with any difficult situation, discovery is the first step in overcoming. Let’s first understand that grieving is a physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychological response to a devastating event that consumes us with discomfort, confusion, and isolation. For our understanding and recovery, researchers give us five stages of grief. However, placing our sorrow in silos assumes our misery comes in systematic phases — it doesn’t. Grief ebbs and flows.
If you think about it, we spend so much of our lives at work, inevitably establishing closeness with office mates. These bonds give rise to sharing the many celebrations of life. We may offer kind words and well wishes to our comrades during seasonal sickness or personal woes; however, it’s usually the silent treatment when a loss or death occurs. This is the time that colleagues will scurry past our workstations for at least a month. Lengthy grieving can make people uncomfortable. When our happy face returns, coworkers reappear like nothing ever happened.
What if we adopted a culture of caring through grief? There are very simple ways to make a difference in a coworker’s life during their time of need. Do not underestimate your support!
Is the workplace griever a colleague?
- It’s ok you feel uncomfortable. Don’t worry so much about what you say, just be there.
- Confront the loss by sending a friendly email, text, or sticky note; then give space.
- Resist the urge to offer advice, just listen.
- Don’t assume they want to share with you.
- Don’t avoid saying the decedent’s name.
- Don’t offer a cliché like, “I know how you feel” or “they are in a better place.”
- Don’t judge how they grieve, yet offer patience and understanding.
- Check back with your somber coworker in a month after others have tapered off and begin again at the top of the list.
Are you the workplace griever?
- Try to understand that your colleagues have no idea how to approach your loss.
- Recognize that grief will control you less as you grieve more.
- Put your despair on paper (writing makes us think and sort things out).
- Do not make major decisions for at least one year after your loss.
- Enjoy the lingering smells and wear the decedent’s favorite shirt.
- Do not remove or throw away any of their belongings for at least one year.
- Do not wash their clothes right away.
If you are a member of an HR team trying to understand the workplace griever:
- Always lead with empathy.
- Recognize grief cannot clock in or out.
- Adopt new approaches to grieving employees by calling them on their last bereavement day and asking what their expectations are upon return, then share with coworkers.
- Acknowledge that, unfortunately, time does not heal all wounds.
You can do this, my nine-to-fiver! Adopt your new approach today with these inspirational nuggets and ponder these words from hospice guru, Barbara Karnes: “Grief is like a wound. At first, it is open, bleeding, raw, painful, and then it heals from the inside out.”
If you need support getting organized after the loss of a loved one, our Essential Considerations Upon the Death of a Spouse or Family Member memo is a helpful place to start. When you feel ready, and as healing continues, our team is here to walk alongside you and help with next steps. Please contact elder care paralegal, Sally Brewer, for guidance on updating estate planning documents or to request a complimentary copy of The Grieving Brain, which offers insight into the science of loss.
